You’re Gonna Put That WHERE? Tips to Make Your Gynecologist Uncomfortable

Embarass Your GynecologistI’m all about empowering women, and there are few things more unnerving and control-robbing than the yearly trip to the vajajay doctor. Usually, when it comes to my lady-friend, I say the more the merrier, but when there’s a speculum involved, it just feels dirty somehow. And, this girl, is a lady.

To date, I’ve never had a conversation with another woman who’s looked forward to the trip. (You know we all talk about it casually, so don’t pretend as if you’re above it. )

Anyhoo-

I’ve made it a general practice to wear bizarre, intentionally out-of-season socks to all of my appointments, just to reclaim a little control over the situation. It has to be socks, because, well, that’s the only thing they let you keep on.

Some of my favorite sock selections have been:

  • Rainbow-striped, knee-high toe socks (I wiggle my toes as the doc approaches, just for added zing.);
  • Peppermint-striped with dangling, and fully-functional jingle bells;
  • Halloween-themed, black, green, orange and yellow-striped with the message “TRICK OR TREAT! WHERE’S THE CANDY?”;
  • Bright yellow and deliciously adorned with pink smiley faces and painted faux-toenails.

With as many “downstairs” doctors as I’ve seen over the years (due to some serious pregnancy issues), I’ve had the opportunity to shock many an unsuspecting hoo-ha checker. I get an awesome reaction from the doctor 90% of the time. Fantastic. Mission accomplished.

But, after a few tweets with a lucky mama who was on her way to one such appointment, I realized I need to amp up my game. AND, I’d be disgusted with myself if I didn’t share my suggestions with y’all, because frankly, no OB/GYN should have all that power.

Why should the woman in the ice cold stirrups be the only one feeling self-conscious and anxious for it to be over with? We should do everything in our power to pass the discomfort around. It’s only fair to take the opportunity to embarrass everyone involved and make the gynecologist uncomfortable.

Make Your Gynecologist Uncomfortable

Jessi’s Top Ten Suggestions for Reclaiming Control in the Coochie Swabber’s Office and Making the Gynecologist Uncomfortable:

10. Upon entering the waiting room, strut up to the receptionist and boldly say, “The good Dr. has an appointment with my nether-regions at (insert appointment time here).” Make sure you use the most exaggerated snob-voice you can dream up. Don’t be afraid to throw in a foreign accent if you’re feeling extra saucy.

9. While waiting, ask other victims patients what they’re “in for.” If they seem reluctant to answer, be polite and go first. “I’m here for the usual. Basic swab-job (glance down at your lap) and squeezy-do (nod at each of your breasticles individually).” It’s very important that you keep a straight, knowing face. Smiling or looking eager may just come off as creepy.

8. When you get into the examining room and the nurse hands you the thin, ugly, not-so-cover-uppy sheet-gown combo, ask her if she has anything with rhinestones. Tell her the one she’s offered you just doesn’t “pop,” and you really like to sizzle on such special occasions — if she knows what you mean.

7. After she leaves, instead of tucking your panties inside your clothes (like they don’t know you wear them), hang them proudly from the corner of the “spectator” chair. If you have a set of mega-ovaries, accidentally leave them on the doctor’s rolly-stool. Whether you’re a granny-panty or sequined-thong kinda gal, you should flaunt ’em. Why wear underwear if no random acquaintance or medical professional will ever see them?

6. When the doctor FINALLY does his little courtesy-tap on the door, say (in a sickeningly sweet, high-pitched, SnowfrigginWhite voice) “Come in!” Bat your eyelashes if it helps you get into character.

5. When he walks in, switch to your deepest, darkest, B-movie horror-flick voice and say, “I’ve been expecting you.” Then let out a wicked, “Muahahahahaha” a la Vincent Price in Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.”

4. When he’s doing your ta-ta exam, look as uninterested in his small-talk as possible. Instead, focus on your manicure while humming, “It’s Raining Men.” When he moves from one lovely lady lump to another, silence yourself. Resume humming as soon as he touches you again. After the exam is done, finish with some jazz hands if you feel it’s appropriate. Hint: it is.

The speculum. The speculum is such a nasty, inhumane torture device…it deserves two steps in the countdown.

3. When he brandishes that badboy, immediately let out a hearty,”QUACK, QUACK!” Start singing a rousing round of “Old McDonald.” After the first verse, shout, “Everybody, now!” If he musters the narvelies to say, “You’ll feel some pressure,” quickly switch to “Under Pressure” by Queen and David Bowie.

2. Upon insertion, lift your head and shout, “Crank it up, and don’t mind the cobwebs, fella!” When he’s finished, look at the nurse and whisper, you’re gonna wanna wash that.” Point at the speculum, as if she doesn’t know what you’re talking about. A lady never leaves anyone out. Acknowledging her is simply proper etiquette and clearly demonstrates your fine breeding.

1. When the exam is finished, start clapping. Say, “Kick-ass as usual, Doc. See ya next year.” Raise your hand like a gun and shoot him a nod and a wink.

***BONUS TIP*** Should an occasion arise where you have to reference your fluffernutter, DO NOT refer to it as a “vagina.” Just writing it makes me shudder. So unpleasant. Blech.  Such crudeness will be frowned upon, and just may cause the chick at the scheduling desk to forget to send your reminder card out when next year’s exam is due.

Following these simple tips to make your gynecologist uncomfortable will not only ensure you totally dominate the appointment, but I’m absolutely, positively, 100% sure you’ll make a lasting impression. Granted, you’ll probably never want to go back to that particular office again, but that just means you can recycle your routine with a brand-spankin’ new audience next year.

Cheers to Happy Pappies, ladies!

Photo credits: flickr.com/photos/zenera/329582774 and flickr.com/photos/cote/557228579
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Comments

  1. I’ve got to try this next time my appointment comes up, even though my doctor is a woman. She’ll probably get a kick out of it. I sure did!

  2. OMG…so funny…my kids are sleeping, so I’m trying to keep it down, but really? I lost it as soon as you started your countdown…and chuckled the whole way through. I’m bookmarking it to read in July just before my annual torture trip.

    • Mama, if you go through with it, I sooooo want to hear about it. This was one of my favorite posts to write. I still laugh when I read it. It’s good to know my crazy can be used for good! ~Jessi

  3. I’ll have to try some of these — the last time I just asked the doctor “Was it good for you?” He smiled uncomfortably.

    You know… there’s a whole sub-culture of people who enjoy medical… um… stimulation. I met a woman at a Black Rose convention who will quite proudly show you the size of the speculum she uses — FOR FUN.

  4. Does the fact that I actually wet myself laughing mean I need to book me an appointment with the fluffer nutter doctor?

    HURRAH!

    • I think I’m going to have to slap warning on posts like this or get a sponsorship from Depends. I seem to inspire a lot of tinkling! LOL ~Jessi

  5. Aha ahahahaha! Seriously girlfriend, you have a gift. That was the freaking funniest thing I have read in so long! Rock on with your bad self!

  6. This just HAS TO get published. Girl, you ROCK. Your writing is truly amazing.

  7. avatar Bonnie @BonniesBows says:

    you are too funny! I want video of you doing even HALF of these. Vlog it! 😉
    I always get unusual responses from my frog tattoo placed right above the ‘J’ in Va jay jay. I put it low enough it would not be a ‘bull frog’ when I was preggo. I had one doc that could NOT refrain from running a finger over it (in a NON-creepy way- swear) every time he saw it. It’s always a good convo starter. 😉

  8. OMG, funniest post ever. I am a new reader/subscriber. Keep it up!

  9. And to think I almost skimmed over this one! Such a happy start to my day! Thank you!

  10. OMFG I almost peed my pants! This is hilarious and I will be passing this on to every woman I know!

  11. Love this, although I’d have to get a lot braver! I was just at the dr and there was a sign on the ceiling that read “I Hate This”. 🙂

  12. What an impression indeed!!! You might even get a referral to see a psychiatrist.

  13. She’s looks like you though! =)

  14. Bahaha! You’ve outdone yourself this time girlie! Love it! Is that you in the speculum pic?

  15. avatar Christina says:

    Funny stuff Jessi! So appropriate since my yearly is coming up. Wonder if I will be daring enough to use any of these?

    • You totally have to. It’s your right, nay, duty as a woman! And then of course report back to headquarters so we can all laugh! ~Jessi

  16. I literally laughed out loud! The part about the cobwebs was the best! You are hilarious. Thank you.

Speak Your Mind

*

CommentLuv badge

Spam protection by WP Captcha-Free

%d bloggers like this: