Tag Archive for adoption

Adoption: A Birth Mother’s Reason for Making the Choice

November 14, 2011 Jessi Adoption

There is often an unfortunate misconception that women who choose adoption for their babies are weak. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Letting go for her son or daughter’s sake is the toughest decision any mother can make; the strength it takes is immeasurable.

And that strength comes from deep within.

The following story sheds light on why one birth mother made the choice to give her child a different life. The author wishes to remain anonymous due to the sensitive information in this post.

~Jessi~


My past family experiences played a role in my child’s adoption long before I became a birth mother.

I didn’t know it as a child, but the way I was raised would have a direct influence on my decision to do right by my son and give him the best life I could.

In fact, it was my upbringing that brought me to many conclusions on what kind of mother I wanted to be for all my children.

I came from a home where my siblings and I were beaten, molested, neglected, verbally abused, and exposed to alcohol and drugs. We were constantly given reminders of the horrible things would happen to us if we ever told anyone what was really going on. We were to live one life in public, a life of pretend, and another behind closed doors.

At an extremely young age, I knew that I never ever wanted my children to know one ounce of the pain I went through growing up. I promised myself that I would do anything and everything in my power to give my children the best lives I could. I would first and foremost always love them unconditionally and do whatever I could to ensure that they’d have bright futures.

I struggled for many years before I found myself. Needless to say, growing up in such awful conditions plagued my young life and to a degree still does. I still carry the emotional scars from my childhood. I didn’t come out unscathed, and in turn, I’ve made many mistakes due to the lack of a proper role model in my life to guide and protect me the way a parent is supposed to. Despite all of this, I pushed myself to become a better person.

Before finding my husband, I went from one unhealthy relationship to the next. I already had one child who I loved dearly and was in the process of struggling to better both our lives. When I found I was pregnant with my second child I was elated, but knew in my financial struggle that I didn’t have the means to care for him. So, I vowed to keep my promise to do the best by him that I could. Adoption was the choice I made to do my best to give him the happy and healthy life he deserved.

I will never outrun the severe abuse I suffered at the hands of my family, but I know that despite what I’ve been through, I have a choice to do better by my children and put their best interests at heart.

Child abuse is a serious issue. If you know a child that’s being abused or neglected or suspect abuse please contact the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD.

Photo: flickr.com/photos/62337512@N00/3462897583

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Adoption: The Boy IS Mine

October 28, 2011 Jessi Adoption, Family, Motherhood

As a mother to three boys, my oldest having joined our little clan through adoption and the two younger being biological, it irritates the crap pains me when people suggest either subtly or, in some cases, not so subtly, that it “might be hard” to love them all the same.

After all, there’s just a “natural connection” to the sons who tumbled and kicked inside my belly for eight months, right?

It’s true that I didn’t get to experience the joys of morning sickness, swollen feet, crazy mood swings, stretch marks, that unique third trimester feeling when I was sure my crotch was just going to fall off at any minute or recovering from a painful c-section, but other than those treasures of bringing a baby into the world, my experience with Ky’s pregnancy and birth was very much the same as those of the other two Cooper troopers.

My family’s adoption story isn’t like most. We had a unique, beautiful, personal experience the whole way through the pregnancy. My husband and I never sat at an adoption agent’s desk filling out forms and waiting for an opportunity. Our opportunity was sent by heaven itself. A wonderful woman happened into my life the year before, and though we didn’t know it at the time we met, we wound up sharing the most amazing journey ever.

Kyan’s birth mother and I were friends, so she’d told me she was pregnant just a couple days after she found out. At the time, her financial circumstances weren’t ideal, and though it grieved her deeply, after a few weeks of careful soul-searching, she courageously and selflessly made the tough decision to give her son the life she wanted for him.

When she asked me to be his mother I was so honored. My heart soared the same way it did when I found out I was pregnant with my other children. A baby. The gift of life. The miracle of motherhood. That awesome moment when I knew I was to be a mother was exactly the same with all my boys.

Over the course of the next nine months, I went through all the ups and downs of pregnancy, just without the those terrible stretchy belly pants. I prayed every night for him to be safe and growing just as he should be. I stood by her side and watched him wiggle around at every ultrasound. My husband and I excitedly called our families to tell them we were expecting a boy and to get the Bears jerseys ready.

We cheerfully made all the necessary preparations in our home to accommodate our impending bundle. Gathering ridiculous amounts of baby clothes. Painting the nursery and carefully putting up a playful cartoon animal border. Oohing and ahhing over adorable baby shower gifts. Glowing.

The day before his birth mother’s planned c-section, I got things set up at work for my 6-week maternity leave. That night, I didn’t get a wink of sleep, so nervous and excited for his big debut, just like with my other boys, who were also born through planned deliveries.

On the morning he was born, I held his birth mother’s hand as she brought our little miracle into the world. We shared the moment of his big, healthy, first cry. I watched anxiously as the nurse cleaned him up and performed his APGAR tests.

Tears of joy streamed down my cheeks as she handed him to me and I saw his sweet, little face for the first time. And I’ve loved, cared for, nurtured, treasured and guided him for every moment of his life since…just as I have for the rest of my brood.

Today is his 6th birthday, and I can say without any hesitation whatsoever that there’s never been a split second in Kyan’s life where I’ve ever felt even the slightest bit differently about him than I have about his brothers. In fact, the notion is sheer lunacy.

My sons are all dreams that came true. They’re all miracles. They’re all the loves of my life.

And, they’re all equally, adorably, wonderfully, amazingly mine.

 

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Adoption: A Birth Mother’s Birthday Wishes for Her Son

October 16, 2011 Jessi Adoption, Family, Mom, Parenting

As you know, I adopted my oldest son. As I watch him grow, it’s ever present in my mind that an incredibly strong woman made an indescribably hard decision to put his needs before her own which allowed my husband and me the privilege of being his parents.

Our adoption is open, and while he knows that he was the answer to many prayers and dreams in our hearts, we haven’t revealed the identity of his birth mother to him yet. His birth mother and I are anxious for him to know the special role that she plays in his precious life, but we’re waiting patiently for him to be ready to fully understand the love and sacrifice she made to give him the life she wanted him to have.

There are few bonds more special between two women than that of an adoptive mother and the birth mother who made her dream of motherhood a reality. As Kyan’s birthday nears, both of our hearts are stirred with powerful emotions. I’m honored that this remarkable, courageous woman wanted to share the following post here. It’s a birthday wish for her son — my son — our son.

~Jessi~

A letter to my son on his 6th birthday~

The leaves begin to change and descend as autumn sets in. I feel the chill of the fall wind and my heart mourns now more than ever. You are always on my mind, but now I reminiscence about our last tender moments together. You, my son, will always be missed.

I start to cry as I remember the day you were born, so tiny and helpless. There was so much going on in your world that you were unaware of. It was the last time you would be mine, and the first time you would be theirs. My heart aches for you.

There has never been a moment that you weren’t missed. Never has there been a time that I didn’t long for you to be here by my side. No matter what happens, I carry you in my heart.

On the anniversary of your birth, there are so many things I long for you to know, so much that I want to tell you…so many hopes and dreams that I carry in my heart for you. My child, I love you.

You are no longer that little infant I held in my arms on that beautiful October day. You have grown into a perfect little boy, full of life, with your own dreams for this world. I can only begin to imagine the day that you grow into a fine young man, and my hope is that you know you are always deeply loved.

What I can’t imagine is how you may feel about all this when you are older, or what you may think about everything. What I hope is that you know that you are deeply loved by me and your parents. That the choice I made for you I made out of love, because at that time in my life I financially didn’t have the means to provide the life for you that I felt you deserved. I pray for your forgiveness and understanding.

I wish for nothing but pure happiness for you throughout your entire life…that you are always blessed. As always, I send you my love and wishes day after day, year after year. As you grow I hope you know that you are forever and always with me. What few moments we had together I cherish and hold dear.

I want to wish you a Happy Birthday, my beloved son. May all your ambitions in life, dreams, and hopes come to fruition, but most importantly, may you know happiness and love all the days of your life!

I love you.

Photo: flickr.com/photos/strocel/4516129538

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And Then She Changed My Life

May 2, 2011 Jessi Adoption, Motherhood, Outreach, Yay Womanhood

I don’t talk about my adoption experience a lot on my blog, because, while my son knows he’s adopted, he doesn’t know all the important details yet, and he should know everything before anyone else does. Still, with Mother’s Day quickly approaching, I’d like to take this opportunity to honor his birth mother. She changed my life in the most incredible way imaginable.

For those of you who’ve read my blog for a while, you know I lost my premature son, Aiden, in 2004. It was the most devastating, soul-crushing event of my life. I’d had serious, life-threatening complications with my pregnancy and then to lose my miracle was nearly more than my heart could bear.

Six months later, I miscarried. With the loss of that little one, so went my hope for having a healthy baby. My husband and I grieved deeply, but tried to stay strong and keep moving forward, most likely, childless.

Then a miracle happened. I was given the opportunity to adopt a sweet little boy, by a lovely young lady named Callie.* Callie was alone in her pregnancy, struggling financially and had no support system to turn to.  While she desperately wanted to raise her son, she wanted more for him than she was in a position to provide at the time.

Callie had heard our story and knew how much we wanted to have a family. I still remember, as vividly as if it had happened yesterday, the first conversation we had about my son’s adoption. She changed my life that day, and again the day she handed him to me and I became his mother.

I can honestly say, Callie saved my life. After the losses of my babies, I kept moving on autopilot, but I was just going through the motions. My heart went into a hibernation that I wasn’t sure would ever end. Her selfless act, for the love of her child, changed my whole world. Suddenly, the sky was blue again and I knew that God was with me.

I firmly believe that if it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have ever been a mother. Bringing Kyan into my life changed me physically somehow. A week after his first birthday, I found out I was pregnant again, and from that pregnancy, my son Jaxon was born, healthy and strong. And after Jax, Devin came and completed our family. Without Callie and Kyan, I don’t think I would have ever been able to have children, because I was so bereaved that my body just wasn’t working right.

I’ll never stop missing Aiden, but I can’t help but feel that he had something to do with Callie and me meeting. She’s truly an angel on Earth sent to me by my guardian angel in heaven.

*Name has been changed for privacy.

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A Birth Mother’s Story: Finding Hope

April 18, 2011 Jessi Adoption, Family, Mamas' Stories

Adoption raises complex emotions for everyone involved. When people think about the adoption process, their minds often center on the adopted child and his or her new parents.

The birth mother is also an extremely important part of the adoption equation and shouldn’t be overlooked. Her emotions run deep and they’re just as varied as those of the newly united family.  Last week, a birth mother, who wishes to remain anonymous, shared the bittersweet side of her adoption experience. This week, she’s sharing the hopeful side of her story.

~Jessi

birth mother adoption

I’ve spent the last five years since the adoption looking for hope in every aspect of my life, and I see it all the time. Adoption isn’t without its trials, but there is also much triumph as well. I’d like to take time to reflect on all the magnificent moments that have come from my son’s adoption.

Even though adoption isn’t all sunshine and rainbows for everyone involved, many wonderful things can be born out of a difficult situation. A child, whose parents may not be able to provide for him at the time, has a world of possibilities opened to them. A couple, who may not be able to conceive, is blessed with a baby they may not have had any other way and birth parents get to know that their child is loved and cared for.

“For every cloud, there is a silver lining.” I truly believe that. My son’s adoption was no walk in the park, but I have learned to focus on all the positive changes that have come about because of his adoption. In my heart, I believe that my son wouldn’t want me to spend the rest of my life depressed.

I can honestly tell you that many wonderful opportunities have come about for both my son’s parents and me because of the adoption. Not only did I get to introduce two amazing people into my life, but I am fortunate enough to have an open adoption and receive regular updates.

I know that my son is happy, healthy and, above all, deeply loved! His parents, who were on the verge of giving up hope of ever having children, had hope again and were blessed with two more beautiful children for my son to grow up with.

I’ve also been fortunate to grow as a person myself. I’ve become a better parent, and now a wife and a mother for a third and fourth time. I’ve also been blessed with meeting other adoptive and birth mothers, building strong connections and friendships along the way.

Since the adoption, I’ve spent much time piecing my life together and working towards my future. I’ve found that I strive harder to work on my interests in order to turn them into a viable career and have ambitions of going to college to help better myself for my family. I also have had five years to get things in order, so that I can be in better financial standings for the children I have now.

Adoption isn’t easy, but it can be a beautiful thing. It is all in how you treat the situation. My son, above all, has had many positives added to his life, and his happiness is of the utmost importance to us all. In fact, my son does know he’s adopted and deeply loved. He was told the truth, “he is an answer to a prayer.”

I hope someday to be able to work with other birth parents and share my experiences with them, so that all aspects of adoption can be made known, from the highs to the lows, and everything in between. I believe a little knowledge goes a long way.

Going through this experience firsthand has helped me grow as a person and find an amazing strength in myself I never knew existed.

Yes, I have hope! Hope for my children, hope for my family and hope for all of our futures.

Photo: flickr.com/photos/goodncrazy/4339488601/

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Bittersweet: A Birth Mother’s Story

April 11, 2011 Jessi Adoption, Motherhood

The following is a very personal post by a guest who wishes to remain anonymous. As an adoptive mother, I feel it’s important that others hear this mother’s truth. It’s easy to forget that the adoptive parents and baby aren’t the only ones whose lives are changed.

~Jessi

I am a true believer in adoption. As my friend once said, “Adoption is neither black nor white, but there are many shades of gray.” I never regret for a moment, trying to give my child everything I didn’t have to offer at the time, by placing him with an amazing family. That doesn’t mean I never have “what if” moments. What if I had been in better financial standings? What if I had family support? What if I kept him?

I would be lying if I said I had no regrets. I have many, but there is no manual that simply walks every birth parent easily through the adoption process. I know in my heart of hearts that as a mother I did the best I could to give my son everything I wanted him to have, and that meant loving him enough to let him go.

Adoption isn’t perfect, or without hurt. Adoption is bittersweet.

My adoption experience started when I found out, at the age of twenty five, I was pregnant with my second child. I already had one child I was caring for as a single mom, and my boyfriend at the time had a little boy from a previous relationship as well. He was far from ready to care for the responsibilities of another child, so I found myself alone and financially struggling to support myself and my son who was already with me.

I made the hard decision to put my second child up for adoption. Not only was I living paycheck to paycheck, but my oldest child’s father was in the picture and I had a fear that someday my second son would ask why he didn’t have a father as well.

It was through my job that I coincidentally met an amazing woman who had tried for many years with her husband to conceive, only to have it end it heartache time and time again.

We spent many a day just talking after our shift, before my pregnancy. I learned a lot about her life, values and what kind of person she was. Needless to say, we became extremely close, so when I decided I wanted to enter into adoption, I knew exactly who I wanted to raise my son. There was no question in my mind.

Nervously, I came to her with the proposal of adopting my beloved child and raising him as her own. I remember very clearly telling her, “If I go through with this you’re the only one I can do it with,” and so, with a happy, heavy heart we proceeded forward together.

From one month to the next, my beautiful child began to grow, and his wonderful mother was there for every doctor’s appointment I had. I remember asking them about what they would name him and seeing pictures of his room, even tagging along when she bought his baby book at Hallmark. How happy they were, and how happy I was for them.

Before I knew it, he was being born.

No longer was he mine, inside me, and growing. I held him when he was born, and even was blessed to feed him once. I held him tight, bottle in hand, and begged his forgiveness for all my shortcomings. I told him I loved him, I always will. Then after he drank his bottle I had the nurse take him to his mother and father who waited in a room across the hall.

The years that followed were difficult. In fact, every year his birthday comes around and I grieve for that little guy. I know I will never have all those little moments: his first steps, his first tooth, or his first words.

I grieve that loss every year.

In all the time I spent in counseling, trying to prepare for the adoption, no one ever helped prepare me for after the adoption. That saddens me. I truly wish there was more out there on the aftermath of adoption, and coping. To this I say “We are real, our feelings are real and we don’t just disappear after the paperwork is finished.”

I would love to, as a birth mother, see more awareness on the subject. As a birth mother, I want to know I am not alone.

I believe in adoption despite my heartache.

Adoption has taught me that being a mother isn’t simple. It taught me to be strong for myself and all my children. It taught me that true love means not doing what is best for you, but doing what is best for those you love.

Photo:flickr.com/photos/ddfic/5490507151

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