Everyone needs a good laugh from time to time. It frees the spirit and detracts from finance woes and mounting laundry. And since all modesty flew out the window after delivering my first child, I’m not embarrassed to set aside my pride for others’ amusement.
In my list of personal confessions on the Flair Brained Facts page, I mentioned a story about Pretzels and Pepsi. I think now’s the time to share this little gem.
It’s important to know I have an experimental mind. Even when I was little, my mom would catch me taking things apart and then putting them back together again.
As I grew older, I never lost that curiosity. It just morphed into a bizarre flair for trying stuff that others would probably have the common sense to avoid. This is one such event. Prepare yourself for something stupidly awesome and totally Jessi.
I’d like to preface this by saying I was younger, okay, 27, but that’s still younger. I was pregnant with my second son at the time. Had I known how it would turn out, I wouldn’t have been quite so knocked up for this experiment.
Okay…so this is what happened. I was cruising to the babysitter’s house to drop of my first stooge, when I caught the tail-end of a blurb on the radio about there being some magic number of pretzels a person can consume (without taking a drink) before she couldn’t physically swallow anymore.
My first mistake was, I failed to remember what that number was or what size of pretzel. So anyhoo…later that day, I was home from work for a few hours (gotta love a split shift) and had nothing better to do. I was all alone with my three chihuahuas when the pretzel experiment came to mind.
I thought…in a moment of pure insanity…that maybe I should give it a go. I’m always up for a challenge. So I waddled to my kitchen, swiped one of the hubz’ Pepsis and grabbed a bag of pretzels.
I settled into my over-sized chair and started munching. Munch, count, munch, count. Imagine a round chick, in office attire, grubbin’ on some pretzels in a ludicrously giant chair, with three chihuahuas staring, heads cocked, waiting for Clutzo McPregerton to drop some goods.
So, by the time I hit pretzel 67, I realized that I’d far-surpassed said magic number, and then thought to myself, “Hmm…maybe they weren’t meaning the bite-sized Rolled Golds I was chompin’ down.”
With this epiphany bustin’ my mojo, in all it’s “Hey doofus, you’ve compromised the experiment” glory, partnered with the fact that I pretty much couldn’t physically swallow another bite, I decided it was time to abort the mission.
Mistake number two: While I love a deliciously frosty, sweet and refreshing Pepsi, if my throat is dangerously coated with chewed up pretzels it’s not smart to go for a carbonated beverage.
Caution: This is where the experiment really breaks bad. If you’re faint of heart, don’t keep reading.
I grab the Pepsi and pop the top.
I take a long, hard pull of that sweet nectar of the soda gods.
I realize instantaneously, but a touch too late, that chewed up pretzels paired with carbonated soda, served up in a bone-dry esophagus, equals a serious choking hazard.
So there I am, choking on pretzel-Pepsi paste and my only rescue support comes from a trio of drooling toy dogs, which by the way seemed to be laughing and calling me a dumbass by now. I think I may have even seen them exchange a few bucks in some sort of back-alley wager.
Thankfully, I was able to cough (and gag) up the concoction before passing out, but the mercy was not without consequence.
I’m here to tell ya, folks, in a life-saving effort to cough up a ball of goo, you very well run the risk of spontaneous urination.
That’s right, kids, I peed myself. Hardcore. In my giant chair. In my work clothes. With Chihuahuas as spectators.
I had just enough time to scrub the chair, shower and redress myself before heading back to the office.
What I learned from this experiment, because honestly, there probably will be a second trial (this girl’s no quitter):
- Conduct the experiment in the bathtub
- Choose water
- Without pants on (choose audience accordingly)
- Have a human spotter
- For everyone’s safety and a better chance at bladder control, don’t do this while pregnant
That is all.