It’s time: The Mommy Milestone Merit Sash

diaper blowout

I received my first “Your kid just Linda Blaired in the classroom; come get him before he gives everyone the plague” call today. Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t seem to find that entry space in his baby book. What gives?

I think it’s totally bogus that children get all the credit for their firsts, as long as someone somewhere thought it was precious at some point in time.

First tooth? There’s a slot in the baby book.

First word…or sound that almost, sort of, kinda resembles a word to mom – and mom alone? There’s a slot in the baby book.

First beloved toy (which means the thing the kid slobbers on most because his mom gave it to him)? There’s a slot in the baby book.

But what about all the milestones we endure throughout our kids’ lives? Don’t we deserve some sort of recognition? And, something better than an entry on a page nobody will ever see, of course. That doesn’t seem befitting of the twitch-inducing madness we go through to get through them.

Like, for example, every single tooth that pops into our kids’ mouths. We may not feel the physical pain of the event, but we genuinely suffer. Step back from any mom who dares disagree because she’s a liar, liar pants on fire and there’s about to be a wildfire in her britches. Teething is miserable. And what do we get for it after that pearly white finally pops through? Bitten. That’s what.

Moms should get badges for this crap. Plain and simple.

A mom should get a gorgeous satin Mommy Milestone Merit Sash in the color of her choice as soon as that pregnancy test indicates there’s a bambino on board. Because, kids, that’s the beginning of motherhood and every crazy first after that deserves a badge.

First time you awkwardly decline a glass of wine because you haven’t told anyone you’re pregnant yet…badge.

First time you have to go to work with your knickers unbuttoned because maternity pants don’t fit but neither do your dress slacks…badge.

First time you give a nurse the finger behind her back because she tells you your perfectly unique and maddening misery is “all part of pregnancy, dear”…badge.

First time your OB says you’re going to feel “some pressure” and you want to kick him in the face because he doesn’t even have a cervix and there’s no way in hell he knows what he’s talking about…badge.

And that’s just pregnancy!

Obviously, your Mommy Milestone Merit Sash will fill up quickly, so there will have to be ranks of sashes for each stage of motherhood from pregnancy to grandparenting. After all we survive, we should at least have some sweet accessories to show for it.

What are your suggestions for badges?

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  1. There HAS to be a First Latch On and Nurse Badge….the toe curling pain needs something, and I think you should get a bead or pin or some enhancement for every month week you make it past that first time, that takes commitment! I think I could fill a sash with just Nursing badges, 9 months for each kid!

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