I’d originally planned to write a review of Magic Mike, but realized anybody who follows me on any form of social media already knows I felt the movie was Oscar-worthy before I even bought my ridiculously overpriced theater ticket.
Instead, I decided to share what I learned from the Magic Mike theater-going experience.
1. When male strippers are the focus of a film, a Midwestern theater will still pack in an audience of love-hungry mamas 18 days after its release. On a Tuesday.
2. The aroma in said theater will be an unforgettable blend of popcorn, mismatching perfumes and a cloud of estrogen so thick you’d need a Ginsu to cut through it.
3. The women in an audience for a naughty chick flick range in age from barely old enough to vote through happily retired. AND, every last one of them adopts a rowdy, carefree persona, the likes of which have never been witnessed by anyone in their lives anywhere else…ever. Accepting, of course, a live “male review.”
4. It is absolutely socially acceptable to shout out “Hallelujah” and high-five total strangers whenever Channing Tatum’s naked arse is on screen.
5. I have completely underestimated the sexiness of Channing Tatum in general…and I’m both ashamed and grieving the loss of precious drool time.
6. No matter how ridiculously attractive a man is, I just can NOT find him sexy in cheekless chaps. I don’t know if this is a hint of strength in my character or glaring weakness in my otherwise impeccable depravity.
7. Even a room full of shamelessly horned up women will nervously giggle and blush–in unison–at the sight of a fake wienus being pumped up to go on stage.
8. While Matthew McConaughey was somewhat of a joke in the movie, I’d still allow him to play bongos in the buff in my backyard. It’s the Southern drawl, y’all.
9. It was cute how the screenwriters tried to pretend that A) there was a need for a storyline, B) anyone cared about the plot and C) an audience would actually be invested in Magic Mike’s struggle to overcome his circumstances. At least, I think that’s what the movie was supposed to be about. I wasn’t really paying attention, and neither was anyone else.
10. While Magic Mike was indeed entertaining, it would have been more believable in 3D. As a consumer and supporter of the arts, I demand this grievous error in judgment and dedication to authenticity be rectified immediately and the film be re-released in IMAX.