Do you ever get the feeling that your life is just one long string of ridiculous, farcical events? I do. But I never have the evidence on hand to support my claim. Until today.
Today…I carried my camera around with me, hoping to capture some of the madness. Fate decided to meet me halfway by proving once and for all that my life is a chaotically woven fabric of sheer awkwardness.
The day started out pretty normally. Cleaned up spilled cereal. Straightened the boys’ clothes out so they were tidy for school. Then Brock, who was in the kitchen sweetly making me some special “yay, we survived most of the work week” chocolate velvet coffee, called me in to take a whiff of the aromatic blend.
Oh I took a whiff all right. Straight up my nose.
I blew my nose–like, a lot–and quickly ran the boys to school. I swear to you I could smell that coffee for the next two hours.
When I got home, I did my morning Zumba workout and headed into the kitchen to retrieve some of the java I didn’t manage to snort and grab a muffin. While I was mixing up my morning brew, an unpleasant fragrance curled into my nostrils, unfortunately replacing the coffee beans.
My Zumba-rific workout drew attention to the fact that in the morning rush, I didn’t bother to put deodorant on both armpits.
I took care of my stench, grabbed my coffee, but then quickly realized my muffin was MIA. I tore up the cupboards, checked the fridge, moved crap about my counters…nothing. Then I walked into the living room.
During the coffee snorting incident, one of my precious cherubs jacked my muffin and decorated the couch with it.
Defeated, I grabbed a fiber bar and went to work. Writey, writey, typey, typey.
All the while, my little one, who’s a couple months shy of his third birthday wandered into the kitchen. No worries. We just got some fancy new childproof locks…he HAD to ask before he helped himself.
Sure, my 34-year-old husband struggles with the locks, but not my toddler. Foiled again.
Shortly thereafter, my middle child came home from preschool and I set about making lunch. Somewhere in this time period, the Brocker has the audacity to use the bathroom.
I served up the grub and went back to my desk to get more work done.
I “woke up” my screen only to find that the mad scientists I call my offspring had worked their mojo on my computer. Everything, and I mean everything, was now displayed on its side.
Yeah, that only took me half an hour to fix, all of which I spent sideways as well…and not the cool kind of sideways that comes with a cocktail either.
The rest of the afternoon went pretty normally, until I picked my big guy up from kindergarten. Make a mental note there…kindergarten…as in..he’s six.
He excitedly told me, “We went to the library and I got some new books.” What he then produced from his Iron Man book bag was not a whimsical Dr. Seuss selection..or even something light and spirited like a Stephen King novel. Oh no. That would be too simple.
Yeah…there are pictures…of ev-er-y-THING. You just know that school librarian is still laughing at me, knowing that tonight’s going to be an interesting night at the Cooper mansion.
So there it is, kids. My abundantly awkward day. I don’t even have the strength to get into the equally awkward, but thoroughly educational evening. We’ll just save that for another time.