It’s hard for people to understand what it’s like to have an eating disorder unless they’ve actually been there. Today, Bethany continues her story by sharing what her daily life is like and views of food as a lifelong sufferer of body image issues and eating disorders. If you didn’t read yesterday’s post, The Origin of My Eating Disorder, it is an intimate look at how Bethany’s story, and struggle, began.
~Jessi~
I don’t have the luxury of a treat being just a treat, or taking a little taste. If I have a fry–I blew it. If I eat something more than what I a lot myself–I blew it. And, even if it’s healthy, if I have more than one–I blew it. I’m a failure, I’m worthless, and I will never be acceptable. For me, that chunky little girl who was constantly tormented by family and schoolmates for her appearance is still crying out to be someone loved and pretty.
When my mind turns to these guilty feelings and thoughts then–as my therapist likes to call it–my “f*ck it” mentality takes over. I reason, “Well, I had one fry and blew my diet, so why not have the whole bag?” I will continue to binge all day long feeling nothing but failure, guilt and regret. This will continue on and on until I get into the mindset that I’m going to eat healthy and I will get skinny. Then, I’ll go days eating only healthy foods–and very little at that.
My eating disorder is constantly at war with me and my life. Even though I get on a mental level that this is wrong and I don’t want my daughters to learn that this is okay, or even healthy, emotionally I can’t seem to let go. It’s difficult for me on many levels. I can’t even go one day without my body image or what I feel I’m doing right or wrong constantly crossing my mind.
What does give me hope that I will someday overcome my body image issues and eating disorders is that I was finally able to find an excellent psychiatrist and therapist that I’m really comfortable with. I want to learn to cope with the deeper issues that started my eating disorder, such as being neglected and abused, being left without food and never understanding what proper body cues are–like when you’re actually full versus the need to binge because you never know when your next meal is coming, getting over worrying that there will never be enough food for everyone in the house, because there certainly is, or finally not having to feel like starving myself to be accepted.
I would like to one day look in the mirror and actually love who is looking back at me, to be a confident person and healthy individual, and to also teach my daughters how to be confident and healthy. The last thing I want is for my girls to struggle with this. Therefore, I plan on continuing my journey to finding that girl inside me and helping her to cope with all she has been through, because I know for me this is something far more emotional than just an eating disorder.
Eating disorders are serious and can have deadly consequences. If you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder, there is help available. Please talk to your doctor, confide in someone you trust who will help you find assistance or contact the National Eating Disorders Association at 1(800)931-2237.
(Photo: flickr.com/photos/stofiska/3021577770)
