It’s only a couple days until Christmas, and I’m nowhere near in the spirit.
Maybe it’s because there’s no snow. Perhaps it’s because, due to scheduling conflicts, I won’t see my siblings until after the new year begins. It could possibly be that the whole “Santa’s watching” thing doesn’t work on my kids. But, most likely, it’s because I’m a raging ball of PMS and can’t even stand myself.
So, rather than the cheery, “Thumbs Up for Christmas” type post I was going to write, I’m going to list some crap that gets on my nerves, and hopefully, pouring out some of the nasty will make some room for the warm fuzzies that I’d love to be feeling right now.
What’s a blog if not free therapy, right?
If you don’t want your holiday buzz harshed by my craptastic mood…go ahead and mosey on over to a cheerier post, like last year’s awkward family Christmas story. It’ll make you laugh. Trust.
So, here we go…10 things that make my soul feel bitey. All. Year. Round.
10. The sound two forks make when they rub up against each other. If people can come up with the technology to silence guns, why can’t anyone stop the stinking forks?
9. Walking through the house in the dark and stepping in something cold, wet and mushy. With three little boys and two chihuahuas, it could be anything….but good.
8. When filthy filthmongers don’t flush their business in public restrooms. WTF? Do you leave your morning glory in your pot at home to share with everyone else?
7. Speaking of public restrooms…what the crap is up with the one-ply toilet paper in the ladies’ room? Come on, now.
6. Anything having to do with Twilight…other than Taylor Lautner’s abs.
5. Those adorable pictures of kittens with misspelled words. Cats are probably pissed by the assumption that they’re illiterate and/or have speech impediments.
4. Reaching into the couch cushions in the hopes of finding the remote, only to pull back a petrified slice of pizza my cherubs “accidentally” misplaced.
3. Folks cutting through my front yard, walking right past my windows. Just because we have a corner lot doesn’t mean our sidewalks are optional. Quit freaking me out, creepy people.
2. Whoever came up with the mysterious 93% crap found on every “repost this” Facebook status. I don’t mind the reposting thing. In fact, I’ll join in if I agree with the statement or it touches my heart, but why stoop to ludicrous, fake percentages to make people feel like they’re courageous for admitting that they like to go to church commando from time to time? You like the breeze? Let your freak flag fly with pride.
1. When people use up a whole blog post to rant about stupid shiitake that doesn’t really matter anyway.
See. Told you I can’t even stand myself today.
Ahhhh…I feel so much better. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Photo: flickr.com/photos/jenrab/5149327692
Now personally, I enjoy listening to others bitch around the holiday’s. Reminds me that I am not the only one who is bitchy! LOL
Here are my solutions to your problems:
10. God gave us hands for a reason. Te fork was an obvious mistake.
9. Chihuahuas are better than Mastiff’s, in terms of squishy stuff.
8. Eat a TON of fiber and leave your own “Gift” for someone.
7. Carry your own 1 ply in your purse, and put them together for some luxurious 2 ply action!
6. I got nothing for Twilight…we can just hope that the zombies will get them eventually.
5. I’ll take the cats over the motivational posters that just make you feel bad about yourself.
4. Petrified pizza is better than fuzzy chocolate pudding in the couch cushions!
3. One word…landmines!
2. 60% of statistics can be maade to say anything you want 99% of the time!
1. Just remember…it’s your blog and you’ll cry if you want too! LOL
Just remember you can’t force the Christmas spirit…but wine helps!
100% awesome! You cracked me up, first thing. That’s just what I needed. Thank you, Sarah! ~Jessi