Melancholy Anniversary – The Grieving Season

melancholyFor most people, the word “anniversary” is associated with celebrations and remembrances of happy occasions, but that’s not true for all of us. Sure, I look forward to October and celebrating the day Brock and I joined hands and said, “I do,” but that’s not the type of anniversary I’m talking about today.

I’m talking about anniversaries of major, life-changing events; packed with so much painful emotion, that the date haunts you for the rest of your life. These days are usually the anniversaries of profound losses.

I have a couple of these days every single spring. These woeful specters set up residence in my mind and consume my days, nights and dreams. They’re so powerful, that not just the calendar days effect me, but the months surrounding them are sorrowful, too.

Every February, an ache sets in. Suddenly, like clockwork, I feel as though part of me is broken or missing. A deep heartache emerges and transforms me until the end of April.

I still function, though most of the time, I don’t want to. I have no choice. Regardless of my heartache, I’m still a wife and mother. My family still needs me, just as I need them.

Time passes slower when this anniversary season comes upon me. Days lumber by, accentuating my pain. The clock and calendar seem to mock me as they lazily stroll along.

This season has been my reoccurring living nightmare since 2004 when my angel came and went.

Every year, I give myself a pep-talk in January. I tell myself that I will rise above the ache and celebrate the gift he was, and still is, in my life. And just when I think this year will be the one, the hollowness sets in. The questions run like a never-ending ticker tape in my head. My soul dims and I’m there again.

Reliving the anguish.

Grieving as though the wound was fresh.

Retreating into the safety of silence.

My melancholy anniversary is upon me once again. Random teardrops fall without warning. Emotions rise and fall. My heart breaks all over again.

Just.

Breathe.

Photo: flickr.com/photos/maveric2003/393605629

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Comments

  1. I don’t like the song, but I know every word. These anniversaries are a nightmare, however far ‘out’ one happens to be. My thoughts are with you.

  2. avatar Marcella Cook says:

    I really REALLY hate those anniversaries! I have one every year, the day I lost Em, and I have another one at the beginning of September when 20 years ago I lost two very dear friends…the hurt never goes away, some years it doesn’t hurt as much but it’s still there. And as you said…Just. Breathe. (HUGZ from friends don’t hurt much either)

    @TheMarciFactor

  3. I could not imagine. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless

  4. This really hit home. As I’ve learned everyone grieves differently and has a unique timetable. Some of never forget. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  5. avatar Sandym5555 says:

    What a moving blog entry. This really hit home for me…I can so relate to this having had my own losses. Though over 20 years have passed, those days tend to still hit me…sort of grieve privately though. Hang in there.

  6. I am sorry for your loss and wish you the best

  7. avatar Cindi~Little Yayas says:

    I don’t look forward to these anniversaries either. The thing I am trying to teach myself is to not look at them as something to morn and be sad about (which is extremely hard, especially since I just lost 4 people within a year) but I think we need to use these anniversaries as a time to remember the good the fun, etc. We try and do things that make bring back great memories. Best wishes,

  8. I have lost people in my life, but they have all been old people. Not that that makes it easier, but you just sorta know with them. I am so thankful that I have never had to deal with this and just wish I could take the pain away from those that have! If I were closer, I would give you one of those big mommy hugs that are better than band-aids. ;-)

    My prayers are with you, hon!

    BTW, very beautifully written.

  9. Hugs my friend. You’ll get through this. We are all here for you.

  10. You are an articulate and thoughtful writer. I’m now a follower. Thanks so much for your post and response to my recent poll. Allie

  11. I cant relate personally but I watch my husband go through a similar anniversary every year with the lose of his brother in an accident that involved him and his brother 20+ years ago. I never have to say anything to him or ask him whats wrong. No words are ever needed but he knows that if he needs me that I will always be there. I hope that you have the same support. ((hugs))

  12. That’s exactly why I don’t refer to the date of my precious daughter’s passing as an anniversary. Hell no. Anniversaries are happy reflections in my mind.

    November 18th is referred to as “Olivia’s Memorial Date” in my home.

    My thoughts are with you. No matter what you call it….it sucks the same.

  13. (((Hugs))) my friend. I’m thinking about you.

  14. avatar Stephanie- Coolest Sister in the World says:

    It hits me too every year just the same. For me it gets a little more difficult, and I mourn a little differently. Its the kind of hole that you can try to fill, but nothing will ever be exactly the same. The whole family’s thoughts and prayers are with you. And I shed a tear or 100 billion with you upon reading this. I love you.

  15. Sending prayers your way. My heart goes out to you.

  16. I understand. My daughter was born December 24, 1984 and died December 26, 1984. This makes Christmas Eve a very difficult day for me…even 26 years later. It is good to remember, and to grieve. {{hugs}}

  17. My thoughts are with you. Hang in there, you can do it.

  18. Wow. Powerful. Be gentle on yourself. Grieving is ok, right?

  19. I’m sorry.

  20. I’m sending hugs your way. :(

  21. Loss is hard. I know that no matter what hurt and pain I feel or unwanted circumstances I encounter I can rest in the knowledge that my God will take care of me. He can use your loss for good. You may not see it now, you may struggle with this your whole life, but God has a plan and will not let your suffering go to waste.

  22. Right there with you sweetie- though mine begins in March, and lasts through May:( Hugs- know you aren’t alone! I just can’t believe that it’s been so long already. Just doesn’t seem to get any easier some days.

  23. Wow. I’m honestly not sure what to say to all of that. I know that I get sad every August 25th. However, through the years I’ve sort of learned to move on in a way. I try not to think about it or her. Perhaps, you need to blog more about it or seek some sort of professional help? I have no idea. I hope that didn’t offend you and I hope you are able to deal with whatever events that upset you so much.

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