‘Tis the Season for an Awkward Christmas Memory

I’ve been working on an editing job all day, and my brain is totally toast. So, I threw out the message, “I need a blog topic…stat,” to the twittersphere. I got two responses: giving back during the holiday season and an awkward Christmas memory.

Since they’re both good topics, I’m going to give them each a post, but because I’m pressed for time and need to get back to the moneymaking, I’m just going to share a little story about Christmas…

Cast your mind back to 1998. I was a tender 19-year-old gal, bringing my fiance…yeah, you read that right, I was engaged by then…home for Christmas to meet my extended family. And, no, people, I was not knockered up.

First, it’s important to be clear here, I’m not the oddball in the crowd when it comes to my family. We’re all loud, entertaining and real. What’s the fun in being stuffy and walking around with a Yule log up your keister, anyway? That’s totally NOT how we roll.

The hubz comes from a family that, while by no means is stuffy, is much less…boisterous (insert “crazy” here) than mine. The hubz is, himself, in fact, my polar opposite when it comes to just about everything. You know, opposites…blah, blah, blah.

So, as you may have guessed, I was a little nervous about the situation as a whole. The Brocker’s not really comfortable in social situations and my family can be intimidating to someone who happens to be shy.

Okay…back to the main event…

Well, we get to my Grandma’s house, which is somewhat small when you factor in six adult children and all of their families. Close. Quarters.

So, things are going well, my family is being my family, but nothing outrageous or show-stopping has happened…until…the gift exchange.

One of my aunts had a dear friend that was present at many of our family gatherings. She was as much a member of the clan as any of the rest of us. As any friend would do, she brought a gift for my aunt, however, it quickly became clear that she thought it would be unwrapped in private, amongst the two of them.

As my cousin grabbed the gift from under the tree, my aunt’s friend started to shift uncomfortably in her seat. She leaned towards my aunt and, in a hushed tone, says, “Maybe you should wait to open that later.”

Well, of course this is going to peak the interest of every teen and adult soul in the room. There’s only one category the gift could fall under, given the urgency in her voice and the crimson in her cheeks.

Grandma, who married young and wasn’t well-versed in the world of naughty adult gag-gifting, says, “Oh…just open it. It’s probably underwear.”

The room fell silent.

My aunt, knowing full and well she was NOT about to open some grannie panties, carefully pushes the festive tissue paper to the side of the gift bag, gives a gasp and, in an uncomfortable chuckle, thanks her pal for the present.

Now, if we were an average family, we would have left the contents of the bag to our imagination and let it go.

We’re not an average family.

After being bombarded with a “What is it?” and “Yeah, what was it?” from every corner of the room, she finally gave in.

“Fine! It’s a D-I-L-D-O! Happy?”

Raucous laughter…except for grandma.

You could see the wheels turning in her head. I, of course, shy Brocker at my side, was about to climb under a rock…after I stopped laughing.

Grandma finally says, totally puzzled, “What is that?”

Everyone looks at each other. Who’s explaining a faux wang to grandma? My aunt, quietly, trying to maintain her composure, whispers into my Grandma’s ear.

Silence.

Again, we could see the wheels in grandma’s head turning. She had a bizarre expression on her face, and we were sure we were about to get a lecture about being crude.

Finally, she breaks the silence.

“What? They make those? If I’d have known that was an option, I would’ve bought one 20 years ago!”

Never again was my husband uncomfortable around my family.

Photo:flickr.com/photos/72176181@N00/321555773