For the first year I was home with my kids, we only had one car and my husband worked an hour and a half away. While he was gone 12 hours a day, I was happily home with the offspring.
This arrangement was perfectly fine with me. It was part of the bargain for me to stay home, which I desperately wanted. It did, however, turn me into a full-on hermit.
Dubbed a social butterfly by my mother at the tender age of 11, I’ve always been doing something or going somewhere. Making the switch to round-the-clock homebody was a BIG change for me. But, I was willing to accept it in exchange for living my dream of watching my littles be little. I didn’t miss a single one of my youngest’s firsts, the way I heartbreakingly did with my older two.
Still, I started to slide into a mental funk. I was used to seeing my friends regularly, taking “working lunches” and not feeling guilty when I spent a few bucks on a discounted purse. That changed when I left my 9 to 5 lifestyle behind. Not because my husband begrudged any of it, but because I didn’t feel comfortable walking out the door as he was walking in. I missed him. We’re one of those sickening couples that’s just plain better when we’re together. And, as a woman who always had a paying gig, I felt guilty about buying things that weren’t necessities, because I wasn’t bringing in a paycheck.
As time wore on, I started to shy away from the few opportunities I’d get to go out, despite my husband’s urging to do so. I’d change from my sleeping pj’s to my work clothes…which were just clean pj’s. My hair was always in a messy bun and my children were shocked on the rare occasion I’d make use of my unnecessarily, yet beautifully, large amount of cosmetics. My accessories gathered dust in my closet and jewelry box. To this day, I still feel their cold, grudge-holding stares.
In July, the game changed. I began freelance writing and the hubz left the office in the burbs and became a full-time freelancer himself. Best. Adjustment. Ever.
The sun shines brightly on the Cooper house once again. Having him here changes everything. He’s home, where he’s always wanted to be, doing what he loves without dealing with bull-pucky office politics. And I’m rediscovering my friends, my interests and most importantly my wardrobe.
Life is good.
BUT…now that I’ve been released back into the wild, I run into faces of my not-so-distant past and am usually hit with one or more of the following questions:
“Who’s with your kids?”
“How did you manage to get out of the house?”
“Is your husband babysitting?”
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
My husband’s with OUR kids. I drove my minivan to this-here fancy supermarket. And no, he’s not babysitting. HE’S THEIR FATHER!!!
Why is it that when I’m with our children, it’s my motherly duty. BUT if the hubz is keeping the home-fires burning, he’s “babysitting?” The last I checked, he was VERY much personally involved in their inductions to the Cooper Clan.
He’s not doing me a favor. He’s being a dad. No one asks him if his wife is babysitting when he makes an unaccompanied trip to the gas station.
This, ladies, is a cultural mindset we need to alter. If we’re being bombarded with questions like these, it makes us feel like:
- We’re taking part in some crazy, dancing-naked-by-the-moonlight, taboo-y ritual
- Our husbands should be nominated for some sort of OOOH-SAINTHOOD-DOESN’T-COVER-YOUR-LEVEL-OF-SACRIFICE Award
- There’s some sort of natural unbalance in the parental partnership that leaves us more responsible for our children then our husbands, and we’re not pulling our weight
That’s all some bogus bologna, mamas!
DADDIES AREN’T BABYSITTERS!! They’re parents, just like mommies!
Before the dads who read my blog…and I know you are…I see everything…get their boxer-briefs in a knot, I need to clarify something… I completely appreciate when my husband stays home with the kids and I get a chance to see the outside world without a diaper bag gracing my shoulder. My husband is the biggity bomb…yeah, I went there. I’m thankful for his staying with the kids while I get my hair dyed, as much as he is when he goes to see the latest 3-D action flick. We approach the care of our children the same way we do everything else in this crazy life we’ve created, as partners.
My beef is with the general implication that moms are getting away with something when they’re out and about. It’s unfair, and untrue. EVERY parent, man or woman, deserves time for a breather. While one’s away, the other isn’t “babysitting” he or she is taking care of “their”…children. Their is the operative word here. The three messy, rowdy, playful, deliciously devious and adorably cuddly boys that reside in my home belong to both my husband and me. They’re not my kids or his kids, they’re OUR kids.
When mama’s away, HE AIN’T NO BABYSITTER!
That’s one of my pet peeves too! Dads are not “Baby sitters”!!! =)
We need time out to keep our sanity–I mean, before it gets kinda serious! Also, it never did seem right to me to ask another mom to watch the kids (unless it was a very close relationship or was an emergency). Other moms have a lot on their plates, too! Why should dads be excused? Definitely NOT babysitting! Great post.
Love this post. That has always been an issue with me when people say “my husband is babysitting.” NO he’s with HIS kids who he helped make!
I’ve been a stay home mom since 2000 and now that all 3 are in school, I sit here like a hermit everyday. I’ve tried finding a part time job, but no one will hire me for the 9am-2pm shift. I can’t work nights cuz on a good night the hubby gets home by 6/6:30. My point is, I know how you feel about falling into a funk. I have no family here and we’ve moved 10x in 12 years. It’s hard to make/keep friends when you move that much.
That’s exactly why I started blogging and freelancing, Amy. It brought me back to me. I’ve met so many wonderful people and I feel reconnected! I highly recommend it! Thanks for your comment. I love knowing I’m not alone and I hope it helps you to know you’re not alone, either. ~Jessi
Preach it, sister! He hain’t no babyseeter is RAHT! Loved this post & love your writing!
OMG!! I just love your craziness, Ms. Kelley! Thank you so much! ~Jessi
I totally agree!!! When I’m out & about friends & family ask “Hey where are the kids?” like they’re still connected to me by the umbilical cord! The expression on their faces is more amaizing when they hear the children are with their dad. “And that miracle!” People, I think to myself, is his duty too to take care of the offsprings not only bring the green to the table.
Now some that spend more time with me know that when I’m alone I’m taking a breather and they don’t ask, they know where the kids are with. They just say lest have some fun. It was about time I heard that phrase! So yes I take my time when going out with my bffs.
I laughed out loud at the line about the kids being attached by the umbilical cord!!
Good for you, mama! You should take your time and enjoy the moment of space! ~Jessi
I too, hate when people ask if the hubs is babysitting. No he isn’t babysitting, he is raising our son just like I am. Sometimes when someone asks me who is watching Brayden, I say “Oh, he is at home watching TV. He seemed fine when I left.” Ugh. People.
People don’t think about the implication. It drives me insane! ~Jessi
I couldn’t agree more! Although he’s probably less able than the babysitter at changing nappies
You have a strong point! ~Jessi
Hahaha, thank you! I love your blog, because even though I’m not a mom yet, I like to dip my toe in the pool to see what it would be like. And not that sun shining up the butt version either!
My dad is no longer with us, but I take it as my pleasure to pass on his wisdom, lol.
I was my niece’s fulltime caretaker 12+ hrs a day so my sister could work to support her, and boy, did I hear all the mind numbing comments(people 100% of the time were talking to me assuming she was mine..I usually corrected them, but hell sometimes I just smiled and got on my way).
I’ve heard my sister get the “who’s watching the kids?!” all the time, I always want to say, “well, we gave them some matches to play with, we weren’t planning on being long..”, like seriously!
If someone finds out my husband shares doing the dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, they do the whole *nominated for sainthood* thing too, along with the “wow…you’re SO lucky…” (insert “she has it SO easy glare in here”). Last I checked, he lives here too! C’mon people!
I had no idea that there were people in the world who didn’t know this! I suppose that just means that there are some crap men in the world who expect to not have to do any caring of the children. Or stupid women who let their husbands get away with being completely uninvolved.
I attract stupid comments like that all the time. Fartknockers! ~Jessi
I remember back when my niece was a baby, my father overheard her(my niece’s) father tell someone, “no I can’t go, I have to babysit”.
My father, always one to shoot from the hip, said “funny, back in my day they used to call it parenting”. The father just hung his head, he had no response of course!
The definition of baby-sit is to take care of a child in the temporary absence of the guardians or parents…so when people are asking if your husband is baby-sitting, its actually insulting to him as well, like he has no role in raising them. I would be tempted to get sarcastic with responses to some of the above! “Who’s with your kids?” – Oh, I left Sesame Street on the tv.
“How did you manage to get out of the house?” – I climbed down a row of knotted sheets from my bedroom window.
“Is your husband baby-sitting?” I hope not, he’s supposed to be home with our kids right now.
ABSOFRIGGINLUTELY DELICIOUS!!!!!!! You’re my hero of the day, mama! LOVE IT! Thanks for sharing your fantastic suggestions and give your dad a BIG OL’ Mama-kiss for me! ~Jessi
would ya look at all those typos? NOT much flair there….
Great post Jessi, and YES an issue that need to be addressed.
There hasn’t been a dad in my home for a long time but I can understand where you are coming from…
you dye your hair?
I wnet gray young and now have white straks from my mother, and no wrinkles from her too
but thats another subject er post
I hope all the ondeck/SAHMs get on board with this and you make changes…
I started graying early, too. I have a thick gray streak right on my part. It looks crazy against my naturally dark, dark brown hair.
Thanks for your support! Perception can be changed when women rally for a cause. ~Jessi