Archive for September 20, 2010

Living With a Grieving Heart

September 20, 2010 Jessi Grief, Motivation

“Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.” ~William Somerset Maugham, English playwright, novelist and short story author

Oh, Billy, if it were only that simple.

An unfortunate part of life, is death. Not just our own, but of those who touch our lives. It’s grim, but it’s real. And sooner or later, we all have to work through it.

This year has been trying for me.

This spring, I lost my snarly, surly chihuahua, Yoda. He’d been a naughty, yet faithful, protective friend and companion for nearly 14 years. While the loss of a pet can never be equated with the loss of person, it’s still a deep, painful time. Yoda was a part of my family, and I still expect to see him every day. I miss the way he cuddled in under the covers and how his cranky, not-so-fully-toothed growl could strike fear into the heart of any six-foot-tall, burly manly-man. He was a real gem.

In the last six weeks, I’ve lost three friends. Unexpected circumstances. Alzheimer’s. Cancer. So unfair. So tragic. The sympathy cards and services are behind me, but the sorrow is still here. And there will be empty pieces in my heart forever.

Still, I learned over six years ago, when my son, Aiden, passed away, that letting grief grip me and bring my life to a halt, either physically or emotionally, won’t bring them back, make things “better” or honor their memory in any way. In fact, it would diminish the powerful impact they had on my life, and smudge the beautiful memory of who they were and the positive, wonderful marks they made on the world.

I can’t give you a step-by-step guide on how to overcome your grief, because it’s a very personal, intimate thing. What I can say is, there is another day. There are reasons all around you to keep moving forward. Your life is meant to be led, and those you’ve loved and lost wouldn’t want to be the reason or excuse that you gave up on the things, people and causes that are important to you.

Moving in a forward direction isn’t insulting their memory or demonstrating a lack of emotion. It’s a celebration of the gifts they gave you. I know for a fact, Aiden, Chad, Sharon, Judy and even my crank-meister, little Yoda, wouldn’t want me to spend the rest of my life curled up in a ball, feeling nothing but pain and neglecting the family and friends who are still with me, need me and love me. They wouldn’t want me to put an end to my dreams, goals and aspirations. They’d want me to keep living, loving and making a difference.

Will I ever be over the losses of these fabulous characters? No.

Will I have days where tears are shed and I try to make sense of the senseless. Absolutely.

Will I tarnish their beloved memories by giving up. Never.

If you’re struggling with loss, I wholeheartedly sympathize. I have a strong idea of your pain and inner conflict.

There is another day.

As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us. ~Sascha, as posted on motivateus.com

Photo: flickr.com/photos/tkksummers/4382779679
6 comments , , , , ,

Recognize Your Needs, Your Kids are Watching

September 9, 2010 Jessi Mom, Parenting

I often talk about how doing things for yourself is good for both you and your family, but I haven’t delved too deeply into exactly why I believe it. It may sound like my promotion of picking up a new perfume or taking a cake decorating class is just an attempt to rationalize selfishness, but it really isn’t.

Yes, you’ll immediately benefit, in some way, from doing something for yourself, but your kids are, too. Here’s my simple breakdown.

Investing in yourself, no matter how big or small, is making an investment in how your daughters will see themselves and how your sons will view the women in their lives.

Moms of Boys-

Your sons are receiving strong, yet subtle, messages about women from your household every single day.

If your partner treats you:

  • With respect, dignity and as a partner, and shares in the everyday responsibilities of childcare, housekeeping and financial matters, they’ll do the same for their wives and daughters
  • As a trophy or accessory (which may sound good on paper, but by itself usually has a strong element of control to it), that’s how they’ll treat the women in their lives
  • As an employee, who is to quietly serve the household, they’ll expect the same behavior from their chosen ladies

If you treat yourself as:

  • An equal in the running of your house and care of your family, your sons will take that example into their adult lives
  • A hermit; sheltering yourself, your dreams, aspirations and needs from the view of those who love you, they won’t know that women have, or are entitled to, their own needs and desire for fulfillment of these ambitions

What your sons witness in your house is the trend they’re likely to continue when they have a home of their own. If they see your partner valuing you, they will pay it forward. If they see you valuing yourself, they’ll expect and encourage it in their wives.

Moms of Girls-

How you view yourself, allow yourself to be treated by others, and respond to your own needs and desires will have a direct affect on how they conduct themselves and expect to be treated by others, especially their partners and children.

If you show them that moms should be selfless martyrs with no dreams, goals, desires, need for simple indulgences or basic needs, that’s the example they’re carrying into their own marriages and future families. If you show them you deserve to have things of your own, make an effort to make your dreams come true and appreciate and make use of the opportunity to indulge your needs and desires, they won’t accept anything less for themselves as they’re growing up and straight through adulthood.

Take a look at your life.

  • Is it the life you’d want for your daughter or mother of your grandchildren?
  • Do you feel fulfilled on a regular basis?
  • Do you make a conscious effort to remember you?

How did you answer these questions?

If you busted out a “Hell Yeah!”- Mama’s proud of you! Keep it up!

If your answers were “Uh, I guess…” accompanied with a shoulder shrug- You’re in good company. Don’t waste time trying to defend any unhappiness. Think about what your ideal life would look like.

  • Write down 3 things you’d like to change.
  • List how you can accomplish each of these things (They don’t have to be big. Even fitting in 20 minutes to read a magazine and sip your coffee by yourself each day can be hard. Trust me, I know.)
  • Take action. Start whittling away at the list one step at a time until the effort becomes habit.

If your answer was “No” or “Jessi, you’ve got to be batshit-crazy, who has the time?”- First…If you know me personally, or you’ve been following my blog, you’ll know, I AM batshit crazy, with no apologies. Second…You need to follow the same steps as the “Uh, I guessers” with this piece of additional advice:

STOP FEELING GUILTY FOR WANTING MORE!!!!

You are a person. You have needs. You deserve to take action in gaining some control of your destiny, even if it’s five minutes a day…to start. If you need to eek out little bits of sanity to let your heart, soul and mind breathe, then you HAVE to do it. Your family will understand. And if they don’t, then some more serious changes need to be made around your house, for their own good.

For those of you in these “impossible” situations, tell mama all about it. Maybe I can help you brainstorm some ideas for relief. If you’re shy and don’t want to post your barriers in the comments below, email me at mamasgotflair (at) gmail (dot) com. I want to help you. You have support here. If I can’t answer your questions, I’ll help you find someone who can. The only thing I ask in return is that you start being better to yourself.

You and your family deserve it!

Photo: flickr.com/photos/23905174@N00/2061329074
12 comments , ,

Where’s Jessi?

September 8, 2010 Jessi Guest Posts, Updates

I’ve been crazy busy, ladies!

If you’re looking for me, check out my guest post on Real Life With Kids. Mama Cate, the scrumtralescent deliciousness behind the site, is having some trouble with tendinitis and needed a little help, so I hopped over there and rubbed some of mama’s special Flair-Funk on her blog. I don’t think she’ll ask me to do it again, given my choice of subject-matter, but it’s all her fault for telling me I could write about whatever I’d like to. Muahahaha! Take a look, ladies. Sometimes a mama’s got needs!  Covert Ops: Sending Him the Signal…enjoy.

On a more serious note, I posted a story about my first son, Aiden, on Fertility Flower. He was more special to me than words could ever describe. Check it out: Aiden, My Angel of Inspiration.

Everyone be awesome today!

~Jessi

Photo: flickr.com/photos/moffoys/3554129806
2 comments ,

Ol’ Doc Bonnie Tagged Me

September 7, 2010 Jessi Blogger Shenanigans, Personal Flair

I’ve Been Tagged

I’ve been tagged by Doc Bonnie at Mama B’s Blogspot, Life as I Know it… to participate in a fun little game to help get to know your fellow bloggers. She answered questions about herself and then tagged 3 more people to answer them…… add your question and pass it on!

1. What song reminds you of a childhood memory? You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi. My older brother was in the Cub Scouts and they did a talent show. My bro and his cronies chose this song to lip sync and they needed a drummer. Yours truly. Every time I hear that song, I think of him and the moment I first stepped on stage.

2.Are you a night owl or and early bird? I’m totally a night owl. I’d be happy to be up until 4AM and sleep until noon if the rugrats would allow such a lifestyle.

3.Give us a snapshot of the high school you. I’m the sexy, sweet thang in the green and purple. Even at 17, I was a clown.

4.This or That: Rain or Snow? Snow- Winter is my favorite. I LOVE snow. Lots of it!

5.Favorite Movie Quote? “Mama, I don’t know why you have to make everything so difficult. I look at having a baby as the opportunity of a lifetime. Sure there may be risk involved, but that’s true for anybody. But you get through it and life goes on. And when it’s all said and done there will be a little piece of immortality with Jackson’s good looks and my sense of style, I hope. Please, please I need your support. I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.” ~Shelby, Steel Magnolias

I had a very similar conversation with my mom after I nearly passed away with my first pregnancy (and then lost my premature son). I DID go on to have another son. Jaxon. For some of us, the need to be a mother is so deep, and so strong, it defies logic. I took the leap. And I have beautiful children, because of it.

6.What Color are your Underwear? Purple. And yes…y’all just made me take a look down my pants.

7. What was your ‘dream job’? My dream, since I was a little girl, was to be able to stay home with my kids. When that came to fruition on my 30th birthday, I enjoyed a year or work-free mommydom. As that year went on, I realized that I still had quite a bit of career-girl in me. So now, I’m working from home with my husband as a freelancer and pro-blogger. My dream is to eventually write a book (that actually gets published and sells) and to speak to women about going after their goals and keeping themselves a priority in their lives.

8. If you could tell your 13-year-old self anything, what would it be? I’d tell me to look into the mirror more kindly and stress less. I’d tell myself that life will be rocky, but it gets better and better.

Ok, now add your question and pass it on to some fellow bloggers….

1. Jane – Janez World
2. Sarah- sarahjeverett’s posterous
3. Kelley- Kelley’s Break Room

6 comments

What’ve You Done for You Lately?

September 7, 2010 Jessi Kill the Stress, Mommy Time

As I sit here, it’s 1:30 AM, Tuesday morning, the work week begins in a few hours, and I’m wide awake.

The holiday weekend was packed with action from barbecues to the county fair. My kids had a blast and the hubz and I are exhausted. Signs of a successful holiday weekend? Yep!

But now, as I stare at the laundry-list of things I have to accomplish this week, on top of all of my motherly obligations, I sit and wonder how I’ll get it all done and keep my sanity, too. The answer is simple. I need to plan some sort of indulgence that’s totally, deliciously, selfishly just for me. But what?

  • A movie, complete with an artery-clogging bag of popcorn or fluffy, sugary cotton candy
  • An hour long, candlelit soak in the jacuzzi tub-with the bathroom door locked
  • A random phone call to a friend I haven’t talked to in WAY too long

I just don’t know. What I do know is- something WILL happen. And it will be all about yours truly. It’s important to me. Otherwise, I’m gonna be one cranky mama.

And then I think about my pals. Not just my real-lifers, but the fabu collection of delectable and completely diverse ladies I’ve met on twitter. What will you be doing for yourself this week? Do you plan ahead like me? Do you spontaneously drop your skillet and jet out the door when you get a chance? Or does a week go by before you realize that you didn’t have a single, sacred moment to yourself?

Inquiring minds want to know. What have you done for yourself lately? Are precious moments few and far between or do you make a point of having regular you time? Do you feel guilty? Do you feel your family supports you?

Chat back, ladies!

Photo: flickr.com/photos/peapodsquadmom/4104047309
20 comments , , , , ,

It’s Okay Not to Share…Really

September 5, 2010 Jessi Parenting

Moms share.

We share everything with our kids. Food. Drinks. TV time. The car radio. And for those blessed with teen daughters- clothes, makeup and feminine products. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus, for giving me all boys.

It’s great to show your kids that sharing is caring. Kids learn from example quicker and easier by watching what their parents do in everyday life.

Which is precisely why parents should also show they’re entitled to have some things to themselves. It may seem harsh, hypocritical or even like it’s sending mixed messages, but hear me out.

We’re clear that there are limitations in other areas of life, for example, rough-housing.

I have three boys. I realize there’ll be a heapin’ helpin’ of wrestling and whatnot happening in the Cooper mansion over the years to come. I know this, accept it and more than occasionally, participate.

BUT, there are clear rules:

  • Tickling is okay. Pushing, hitting, kicking, pinching, biting and anything involving the wedding tackle (Mama wants some grandbabies some day) are not
  • The couch, grass and beds are fine places for a bit of horseplay. Nose-busting surfaces like the hardwood floors and concrete are not
  • All participants in the shenanigans MUST be willing participants
  • If someone’s had enough…game over

You see? There’s nothing wrong with drawing lines. It’s not only necessary, but teaches children to make good judgment calls, on their own, in the future.

Boundaries are a very good thing. And there is nothing wrong with setting limits on what you’re willing to share and what’s hands-off.

  • Chips on my plate…ask first…go ahead
  • Hidden Hershey Bar in my purse reserved for Aunt Flo’s impending visit…touch it and you lose a thumb (PS…I have a strict “stay the crap out of my purse” rule anyway)
  • Change in the catch-all bowl…ask first…go ahead
  • Bucks from the hubz’ or my wallet…you can’t run fast enough

You get the picture. By showing your children that not everything is a free-for-all, you’re teaching them that they need to be respectful of others’ stuff. Simple lesson…and you keep your chocolate bar.

Photo: flickr.com/photos/hikingartist/4193339034
20 comments , , ,
« Older Entries