Mama's Got Flair

I’m all about empowering women, and there are few things more unnerving and control-robbing than the yearly trip to the vajajay doctor. Usually, when it comes to my lady-friend, I say the more the merrier, but when there’s a speculum involved it just feels dirty somehow. And this girl, is a lady.

To date, I’ve never had a conversation with another lady who’s looked forward to the trip. And you know we all talk about it casually, so don’t play like you don’t.

Anyhoo-

I’ve made it general practice (for years) to wear bizarre, and intentionally out-of-season, socks to all of my appointments, just to reclaim a little control over the situation. It has to be socks, because, well, that’s the only thing they let you keep on.

Some of my favorite sock selections have been:

• Rainbow-striped, knee-high toe-socks (I wiggle my toes as the doc approaches, just for added zing)

• Peppermint-striped with dangling, and fully-functional jingle bells

• Halloween-themed, black, green, orange and yellow-striped with the message “TRICK OR TREAT! WHERE’S THE CANDY?”

• Bright yellow and deliciously adorned with pink smiley faces and painted faux-toenails

With as many “downstairs” doctors as I’ve seen over the years (due to some serious pregnancy issues), I’ve had the opportunity to shock many an unsuspecting hoo-ha checker. I get an awesome reaction from the doctor 90% of the time. Fantastic. Mission accomplished.

But, after a few tweets with a lucky mama who was on her way to one such appointment, I realized, I need to amp up my game. AND I’d be disgusted with myself if I didn’t share my suggestions with y’all, because frankly, no OB/GYN should have all that power.

Why should the woman in the ice cold stirrups be the only one feeling self-conscious and anxious for it to be over with? We should do everything in our power to pass the discomfort around. It’s only fair.

So here goes.

Jessi’s Top Ten Suggestions for Reclaiming Control in the Coochie Swabber’s Office:

10. Upon entering the waiting room, strut up to the receptionist and boldly say, “The good Dr. has an appointment with my nether-regions at (insert appointment time here).” Make sure you use the most exaggerated snob-voice you can dream up. Don’t be afraid to throw in a foreign accent if you’re feeling extra saucy

9. While waiting, ask other victims patients what they’re “in for.” If they seem reluctant to answer, be polite and go first. “I’m here for the usual. Basic swab-job (glance down at your lap) and squeezy-do (nod at each of your breasticles individually).” It’s very important that you keep a straight, knowing face. Smiling or looking eager may just come off as creepy

8. When you get in the examining room and the nurse hands you the thin, ugly, not-so-cover-uppy sheet-gown combo, ask her if she has anything in electric blue. Tell her it really brings out the color in your eyes

7. After she leaves, instead of tucking your panties inside your clothes (like they don’t know you wear them), hang them proudly from the corner of the “spectator” chair. If you have a set of mega-ovaries, accidentally leave them on the doctor’s rolly-stool. Whether you’re a granny-panty or sequined-thong kinda gal, you should flaunt ‘em. Why wear underwear if no random acquaintance or medical professional will ever see them?

6. When the doctor FINALLY does his little courtesy-tap on the door, say (in a sickeningly sweet, high-pitched, SnowfrigginWhite voice) “Come in!” Bat your eyelashes if it helps you get in character

5. When he walks in, switch to your deepest, darkest, B-movie horror-flick voice and say, “I’ve been expecting you.” Then let out a wicked, “Muahahahahaha” a la Vincent Price in Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”

4. When he’s doing your ta-ta exam, look as uninterested in his small-talk as possible. Instead, focus on your manicure while humming, “It’s Raining Men.” When he moves from one lovely, lady lump to another, silence yourself. Resume humming as soon as he touches you again. When the exam is done, finish with some jazz hands if you feel it’s appropriate

The speculum. The speculum is such a nasty, inhumane torture device…it deserves two steps in the countdown.

3. When he brandishes that badboy, immediately let out a hearty,”QUACK, QUACK!” Start singing a rousing round of “Old McDonald.” After the first verse, shout, “Everybody, now!” If he musters the narvelies to say, “You’ll feel some pressure,” quickly switch to “Under Pressure” by Queen and David Bowie

2. Upon insertion, lift your head and shout, “Crank it up, and don’t mind the cobwebs, fella!” When he’s finished, look at the nurse and whisper, you’re gonna wanna wash that.” Point at the speculum, as if she doesn’t know what you’re talking about. A lady never leaves anyone out. Acknowledging her is simply proper etiquette and clearly demonstrates your fine breeding

1. When the exam is finished, start clapping. Say, “Kick-ass as usual, Doc.” See ya next year.” Raise your hand like a gun and shoot him a nod and a wink.

***BONUS TIP*** Should an occasion arise where you have to reference your fluffernutter, DO NOT refer to it as a “vagina”. Just writing it makes me shudder. So unpleasant. Blech.  Such crudeness will be unappreciated, and just may cause the chick at the scheduling desk to forget to send your reminder out when next year’s exam is due.

Not only will you totally dominate the appointment, but I’m absolutely, positively, 100% sure you’ll make an impression. Granted, you’ll probably never want to go back to that particular office again, but that just means you can recycle your routine with a brand-spankin’ new audience next year.

Cheers to Happy Pappies, ladies!

Photo credits: flickr.com/photos/zenera/329582774 and flickr.com/photos/cote/557228579