Archive for July 28, 2010

Nikki’s Story

July 28, 2010 Jessi Mamas' Stories

On Wednesdays, I’ll be posting insightful, inspirational true stories from women who are working on reclaiming their identities and finding themselves again. Today’s post is from a lovely lady named Nikki, who inspired me to start these guest posts. I thank her for her courage in sharing her story. It wasn’t easy for her, but I know everyone can take something valuable away from what she has to say. And by the way, all of the photos included are from her personal collection…

“When Jessi first asked me to write a guest blog, my first thought was how flattered I was. Then came the feelings of nervousness and self-doubt. The same old tapes running through my head that have been there for years. You know the ones. “What could I possibly have to say that people will want to hear?” and “Do I really want to share my failures with the public, so they can see what a mess I am?” Then I came back to the difficult lessons I have learned over the past several years. I need to share my imperfections. I need to be real with myself and others. If I don’t, then what I have gone through meant nothing.

My name is Nikki and I am a photographer. Those words don’t come easily. For almost 20 years, I identified myself as a stay-at-home mom, wife and home-schooler. It was much more than that, though. I was also the housekeeper, cook, gardener, accountant…you name it, I did it. Not only did I do it, I had to be good at it. Identifying myself as a photographer somehow means I didn’t do the other things as well as I should’ve. I now have to be someone else, when in actuality, that person was there all along and should’ve been allowed out sooner.

I don’t blame anyone for the feeling of having to do it all. My husband wasn’t cruel or abusive in any way; he was just busy. I knew if I didn’t do it, it wouldn’t happen, or, at least, that’s how I felt. If he helped with the dishes or vacuuming I thanked him, because, somehow, those were my jobs. He had enough on his plate and how difficult is managing a household anyway? I had read all of the books on moms needing to find time for themselves, but rarely did it myself. I used the excuse of being an introvert; I’d rather just be at home. While true, what I didn’t realize is what I needed was time on my own. I needed to feed my own soul, so I would be better able to feed the soul of my family.

By the middle of 2006, I knew I was beginning to fall apart. I couldn’t focus, the kids schooling was deteriorating. All I could think of was, “How do I get out?” I just wanted to run, to escape. I was extremely angry, mostly at my husband. I felt myself blaming him for not being around and “making” me be everything for him and the kids. I no longer wanted him around.

I look back now and think I had a breakdown, although I didn’t know it at the time. In March of 2007, I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to either leave or I was going to die. So I left. It was like I was walking through a dream. I don’t remember much of it. What I do remember is being able to breathe. I no longer felt like I was drowning. Once I left, I realized I couldn’t go back. It wasn’t my husband I was leaving; it was the way I was when I was with him. I had found myself again and I couldn’t risk ending up in the same position.

It’s been over three years since that day. Yes, I have regrets, mostly involving my kids. I came from a divorced family and never wanted my kids to go through that. I knew what leaving would mean though, and I chose that path. For me, it was a choice between that and no one ever seeing me again.

During that time photography became a savior to me. I picked up a camera and the world disappeared. I was free to explore and discover a world I had never seen before – the one through a lens. I was learning, making mistakes and creating. I felt like I had found myself again. Not only did it make me happy, but others seemed to get enjoyment out of my photographs as well. I wish more than anything that I had found it years ago. I honestly believe it could have made a big difference in how I dealt with my life. Shooting gives me the time I need to recoup and reenergize, to just be with me.

So here we are today. I’ve survived. I’m happy. I’m not perfect. My apartment is a mess a lot of the time. My kids are great, but definitely make mistakes. I eat too much. I yell at the guy I love (and he doesn’t leave and neither do I). I allow myself to feel; to not only be happy, but angry, stressed and frustrated. Trying to do and be it all for everyone around me didn’t work and can’t work. No one is perfect, but I tried to live like I was for most of my life.

There are some very important lessons I’ve learned and am still learning from the mistakes I made. I’m putting them here hoping it will help some of you, so you don’t have to go through what I did.

  • Be real. This doesn’t mean baring your soul to anyone that asks how you are day is, but don’t be afraid to show that you mess up
  • Talk to friends. Find someone you can cry with, laugh with, and scream at
  • Don’t do it all. The world will not collapse if the dishes aren’t washed and beds aren’t made. Relax
  • Find a hobby. Something you enjoy. Not something for your kids or husband. Just you
  • Take breaks without feeling guilty. Go out for a night on your own. Get your nails done. Have a coffee. Go to the library without the kids and read a book in silence
  • Be honest with your husband/partner. Don’t feel like you have to shoulder it all on your own. Tell him when it gets to be too much. You are a team – make sure to remember that

Thanks so much, Jessi, for allowing me to take up space on your blog. If any of you would like to know more or just need someone to talk to, feel free to email me at nicoleraephotos(at)gmail(dot)com.”

To read more from Nikki, thank her for sharing or see more of her breath-taking photography, drop by her blog, Nicole Rae.

More photos from Nikki’s portfolio:


6 comments , , , , , , ,

Winds of Change

July 24, 2010 Jessi Yay Womanhood

In my last post, I outlined the new direction of Mama’s Got Flair:

Do you feel you’ve lost touch with your identity since becoming a wife and mother? Mama’s Got Flair is a haven for mamas who want to rediscover themselves, their dreams and personal goals. There’s no shame in finding a healthy balance between love for your family and yourself. Happy mamas who value themselves, raise respectful, confident children who do the same. If you’re ready to reclaim yourself, celebrate your strength, express your individuality and build your self-confidence, welcome to Mama’s Got Flair.


Since committing to my mission, I’ve received so much fabulous support and excited response, it’s become abundantly clear to me, I’m on the right track. I’ve heard a bajillion incredible stories from women in various stages of the journey to reclaiming their individuality. It’s simply delicious.

Thank you to all the extraordinary women who’ve shared their dreams, triumphs and struggles with me. While reading, I laughed, cried and even clapped. It’s a good thing y’all couldn’t see me, it may have been a touch embarrassing. You ladies are my inspiration. Keep your stories coming. I want to hear from everyone.

All that goodness being said, I want to take the opportunity to tell y’all why this endeavor is near and dear to my heart.

Modern moms, myself certainly included, are shouldering the weight of the world. And the worst part is, we’re doing it to ourselves and each other (albeit, unintentionally). We’re concentrating so completely on juggling a burdensome combination of careers, romantic relationships, children and households, we wind up losing touch with ourselves. We make a conscious effort to shelf our personal aspirations and desires in the name of motherhood.

We need to put a stop to the martyrdom and think about what we’re doing to ourselves. In the last few days, multiple women have told me they (and their families) have suffered in one way or another. Because they felt so much pressure to be “perfect,” they eventually broke down in a “What about ME” moment and made irreversible decisions they now regret.

The same women told me that after these events took place, they realized they’d been neglecting themselves. They felt guilty about meeting their personal needs, because their time and effort should be spent on their families. In retrospect, they all feel that had they made themselves more of a priority, asking for help from their support systems and doing little things for themselves, things may have turned out differently.

I’m in no way suggesting we should completely shirk our responsibilities to our families, I’m saying we need to find a balance. There will always be an element of sacrifice to parenthood. We’re no longer living for ourselves alone. We signed that contract when we conceived our little wonders. HOWEVER, by always putting ourselves last, we’re begging for mental, physical and emotional exhaustion and our families will suffer.

This is my challenge to you. Sit down and make two lists.

The first list should contain at least 3 goals or dreams, big or small, that you have for yourself. This list is personal, so there’s no judgment. What’s something you’ve always wanted to do or recently took interest in? Do you want to write a book? Visit a foreign country? Participate in a local theatre production? Start a book club? Earn a degree? Take a cake decorating course at the local community college?

The second list is of indulgences you haven’t been affording yourself. Make the list as long as you want. What little extras would make you feel special? Throwing that $4 bottle of dulce de leche coffee creamer in the grocery cart? Taking an hour here and there just to soak in the bathtub? Wearing sexy lingerie under your soccer mom t-shirt?

Put these lists somewhere you’ll see them regularly. If they’re out of sight, they’ll be out of mind, which totally defeats the purpose. The more you look at them, the more inspired you’ll be to follow through. Keep them handy, we’ll be revisiting them again.

If you’re feeling bold enough to share your lists (anonymously, if you’d like) email them to me and I’ll create a page. Maybe your ideas will get the gears turning in another lovely lady’s head.

We’re in this together ladies. Welcome to your new-found flair.

Photo credit: flickr.com/photos/valeriebb/2350197001/

17 comments , , , , , ,

I’m Up for the Challenge: Day 1

July 22, 2010 Jessi Personal Flair

If you build it, they will come.

I’ve been working on this blog for a while and I haven’t been satisfied. Something’s been missing. With the help of the SITS Girls’ Problogger “31 Days to Build a Better Blog Challenge”, I realized, in a major slap to the forehead moment, the missing piece to the puzzle was direction.

While I enjoy posting random thoughts and stories, I sometimes feel a lack of inspiration, because I’m not sure exactly where I’m headed. Today, I officially unveil my intentions and aspirations for this blog.

Without further ado:

Challenge 1: Write an Elevator Pitch

Definition from Wikipedia: “An elevator pitch is an overview of an idea for a product, service, or project. The name reflects the fact that an elevator pitch can be delivered in the time span of an elevator ride (for example, thirty seconds or 100–150 words).”

Mama’s Got Flair’s new Tagline: Making yourself a priority for the benefit of your family

Elevator Pitch: Do you feel you’ve lost touch with your identity since becoming a wife and mother? Mama’s Got Flair is a haven for mamas who want to rediscover themselves, their dreams and personal goals. There’s no shame in finding a healthy balance between love for your family and yourself. Happy mamas who value themselves, raise respectful, confident children who do the same. If you’re ready to reclaim yourself, celebrate your strength, express your individuality and build your self-confidence, welcome to Mama’s Got Flair.

Giving a specific meaning to my blog revitalizes me. I may revisit my mission from time to time and tweak it, but I feel this is the direction I need to head in. It’s what sings to me.

Please, give me some feedback. Constructive criticism will only help me meet my goals and fuel my ambitions. Thank you all for your support.

15 comments , , , ,

My Favorite Son

July 13, 2010 Jessi Mom, Parenting

When my boys are awake, life seems so out of control. They’re everywhere. The fridge. My hair. The cupboard. My desk drawers. The bathroom. My closet. The couch. Under my feet. EVERYWHERE!!! If a mom could capture a child’s ability to be everywhere at once, the world would be a happier and much more organized place.

Throughout the day, I study each one. They’re so individual. This astounds me each and every day. They’re raised by the same parents, eat the same foods (most of the time), live in the same house with the same chihuahaus. How can they be so different?

Because they’re so different, I can’t help but play favorites.

Aiden was my firstborn son. He was born 11 weeks prematurely after a stressful, life-threatening pregnancy. He had red hair and a cute little cleft in his chin. The absolute spitting-image of his daddy. We’d tried for years to get pregnant before being blessed with our miracle baby. When he was born by emergency c-section on my 25th birthday, it was quickly apparent to the medical staff, our families and us that Aiden was different from other babies.

Besides his 1lb, 5oz, 12 inch stature, he had a rare condition called Townes Brock Syndrome. Amongst many individualities, he had an extra thumb and a digestive system that needed to be “reworked.” He lived through multiple surgeries, but never left the NICU. His Earthly visit lasted just shy of 6 weeks. There is nothing natural about burying your child, but for all the joy, hope and love he gave to my family and me and the delicate way he held my hand, he’s my favorite son.

Kyan became a part of our family through the miracle of adoption. He’s blonde, blue-eyed, charming and surfer-boy handsome. He loves all things flora and fauna, computers, music and sports. If I was only allowed to describe him in three words, I’d use precocious, intelligent, and reckless. The combination is nothing short of terrifying for this girl.

This boy will be the death of me. If you’re a country music fan, you’ve heard the Chris Cagle song “Chicks Dig It.” That’s my Ky. I’m terrified of the teen years already. He’s so talented in so many ways, I only hope that he uses it for good and not evil. For the “You’re the best’s”, lack of boring days, and gift of motherhood, he’s my favorite son.

Jaxon is my sidekick, a true mama’s boy. He looks like me, but is the strong silent type like his dad.  He’s got a sweet little lisp that makes your heart melt. He loves music, cuddling, movies and sports. His terrible two’s have turned into thunderous threes. He storms through the house like a tornado. Jax is my mess maker. For some reason, he can’t get enough of pouring stuff out from spices in the cabinet to popcorn on movie night.

He’s a quiet, patient plotter. He’ll watch and wait, and when the moment is right, he strikes. It’s simply diabolical. The worst part is, he knows that he’s absolutely, and quite devastatingly, adorable. The boy has mastered a puppy-dog eyes and “I love you” combo that challenges even the hardest veteran mom. For his tender hugs, inspiration to shop and sheer teddy-bear factor, he’s my favorite son.

Devin is my baby. Even when he’s 50, he’ll still be my baby. He’s got his daddy’s baby blues and my personality. He loves music, dancing, rocking with his dad and singing with his mom. He’s always been small for his age, but what he lacks in size, he makes up for in moxie. If you judged him on looks alone, you’d think that he’d be the underdog when it comes to the fellas in the Cooper clan, but you’d be sorely mistaken. Devi does NOT tolerate being bullied, and frankly, because he’s still pint-sized, I think it’s hilarious. I’m sure we’ll revisit this in a few years, and my view will have changed.

Unlike his brothers, he doesn’t play favorites when it comes to his parents. Ky has always gravitated to his dad and Jax is my shadow. Devi likes to keep both of us on a short leash. If one of us is holding him, he reaches for the other. He clearly dominates the roost these days. For his naughty grin, spunk and the way that he completes my family and me, he’s my favorite son.

My boys are my life. I would do anything for them. They make the world turn and the sun shine. They are my legacy. I’m truly blessed. Can you tell they’re asleep?

What makes each of your kids your “favorite”?

23 comments , , , ,

Chic Click Carnival, Mama-Style

July 13, 2010 Jessi Personal Flair

Howdy!

I’m participating in the Chic Click Carnival put on by The SITS Girls. By the by, if you’re a mommy-blogger and you’re not a SITS girl, darn-it, you should be.

If you’re new to Mama, here’s the short short version. I’m a quirky, Mid-western, work-from-home pro-blogger and freelance writer. I live in a madhouse, the only hen in a coop full of roosters. I started this blog as a happy place for myself. It keeps me in touch with me while entertaining other mamas who need a break from their reality (to laugh at mine). Take a look around and let me know if you like what you see.

So anyhoo, as I was clicking through some New Peeps, I happened along From Pedicures to Puddles. My instant attraction? She’s a boy-mom, like yours truly. Chicks who celebrate their estrogen while chasing a man-child or 3 get my attention, and keep it. On top of it, she passes along good deals and great ideas. I’ve found a sister in the SITStahood. Tiffany, you’re my favorite Peep of the Week!

2 comments , ,

Rainbows and Bubbles: Gifts to Parents

July 6, 2010 Jessi Kill the Stress, Laugh Time, Parenting

Have you ever watched your kids and wondered how they can possibly get as much joy out of the most simplistic things in life as they do? Do you wish that you could achieve half the enthusiasm for everyday wonders that your kids can? In the 2007, bun-in-the-oven hit, Knocked Up, this childlike appreciation for bubbles was briefly explored:

Turn your volume up, sound quality kind of stinks.

It can be difficult to find the joy in the little things, when you have adult responsibilities constantly looming over your head. Bills, doctor appointments, aging family members, dishes, laundry…the list is endless. Stopping to smell the roses would just be one more thing to add to your to-do list.

A twitter friend posted the following video last week (thanks, Chad):

Turn down the volume…this guy is BURSTING with intensity.

Now, obviously, a lot of his zeal is drug-induced, but the message is the same. After I stopped repeatedly watching this video, and laughing harder every single time, I started to really think about it. This guy, with the help of some shrooms, no doubt, is loving the little things. He’s so completely, and intensely touched by the natural phenomenon, that he shared it with the world, at the risk of looking like a total moron. Which, let’s be honest, he does.

I’m not a believer in drugs. I’ve never tried them, and I never will. BUT…I don’t think that naturally finding that love for the simple things is unattainable as an adult. You just have to be open to it.

Nature builds-in repeated opportunities for parents (we’re the chosen ones, dontchaknow) through the everyday sharing of life’s little wonders with their children.

The next time you see a rainbow, make a point to stop what you’re doing and take your youngin’s out to enjoy it. Do the same with a starry, moonlit sky, a cloud that looks like a dragonfly, or the biggest flippin’ Big League Chew bubble you can muster. One of the greatest rewards of parenthood is the ability to capture your innocent, wonder-filled, rose-colored glasses again. Even if it’s for a few short, blissful moments.

Hug your child and embrace your youth. The world is full of bubbles and double rainbows if you’re smart enough to be watching out for them.

21 comments , , , , , , , ,