Five Things that Will Suck for Me When My Kids Figure Them Out

When it comes to truly important issues, such as sex, drugs and the unparalleled usefulness of duct tape, I make it a point to be very honest with my kids, every single time. I want them to be as prepared as possible for life’s twists and turns and it’s my job to provide them with solid information about the big things.

There are certain things, however, that I’m just letting them figure out on their own. And, frankly, it’s because I’m not looking forward to them knowing the whole truth.

Five things that will suck for me when my kids figure them out:

1. Nine times out of ten, dad and I have no intention of actually going to bed when they do. We’ve found it’s way easier to get them to settle in if they think there’s no possible way we could be having even a small shred of fun…or peace…in their absence.When they figure this out, they’re going to retaliate with tricking us into thinking they’re asleep and then ambush us just when the cookies they were never supposed to know about come out of the oven.

2. When I’m in the bathroom “getting pretty” I’m not just sexying up my hair and putting on some sassy lip gloss. I’m also pulling out what seems like a bajillion rogue chin hairs that they bestowed upon me while I was toting them around in my uterus. When they figure this out, they’re going to tell people. And it’s gonna suck.

3. Sooner or later, they’re going to find out that not every mom is as wacky as I am. There are moms out there that can control their inside voice, wash their avocado masks off BEFORE going out to get the mail and don’t geek out when they see something sparkly. When they figure this out, they’re going to wish me to be more discreet with my freak flag. šŸ™

4. Eventually, they’re going to understand the inflections in my voice. When they figure this out, they’ll know when I’m just spewing something out to cover up the fact that I haven’t been listening or that I’m just an overly sarcastic, snarky woman by nature. Backfires galore.

5. Santa and his mystical pals will eventually be outted as total fantasy. I’m not so much worried that my kids will hate me for letting the impossible be real for a short period of time. What’s going to suck is that, because I’m pretty positive I’m done with the reproduction scene, the magic will be gone for me too. Kids ruin all the fun.

I thought that the day my son figured out the childproof doorknob cover was a rough one, but it’s not going to be anything compared to the day one of my cherubs inevitably tells his class that I can grow a better beard than a billy goat.

Yep. I’d much rather talk about the birds and the bees any day of the week. Some stuff they’re just better off figuring out on their own, and the later the better.

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